Random Blatherings

Here are a sampling of the things I really really wish I could say to my customers:

1. Go and have a wash you filthy cretin. I can taste you from six feet away.
2. That is not funny (whenever an item doesn’t scan, a customer is guaranteed to say “It’s free!” and then laugh as though it’s the most original thing I’ve ever heard).
3. You are wrong.
4. No, we don’t sell [item], while standing in front of a display of it.
5. “Jesus loves you.” And then wink consiprationally.
6. Go f*ck yourself up the *rse with a cactus.
7. Oh really? You’ve read my job description have you???
8. Yes, it is my fault. It is also my fault that there is a famine in Africa, taxes are too high, and that Jesus was nailed to the cross.
9. Please continue to talk, because as you can see, I am so very interested…
10. The customer is not always right. If that were the case, I wouldn’t see the words “not available with any other offer” in 6 inch high letters on the sign you’re using to justify your argument.
11. Come back and talk to me when you can form a coherent sentence.
12. Sorry, my Acme Psychi-Hat is on the fritz today. You’ll actually have to say what you want.
13. Uh, yes it does say that on the sign.
14. It’s only misleading if you don’t actually read the entire offer.
15. No, you cannot have the dearest item free.
16. Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!
17. I don’t care if your daughter is pregnant, she still isn’t using the staff toilets to shoot up in.
18. Do you want to come stand this side of the counter? No? Then shut the f*ck up and don’t tell me how to do my job. I’ve been doing it a damn sight longer than you have.
19. You know what? I really don’t care.
20. No, you can’t have a carrier bag.
21. No you can’t leave your kids dirty nappy (diaper) in our bin. And if I see you leave it in the store, I will follow you out with it, and throw it at you.
22. Have a really unpleasant day.
23. Really? Seven pence pays my wages does it? You’ve tracked that seven pence through our banking system have you? Cause here, we have what are called profit margins. That means that what you pay for an item is only marginally higher than what we pay for an item. And out of that profit margin comes every single bill - water, electricity, wages, etc. Yes, you do add to that profit margin. But so does every single customer who comes in this shop and buys something. You still so sure you pay my wages? Because if every customer who comes in here pays my wages, I’m being way underpaid.
24. You catch more flies with honey.
25. Nothing. Just give them the death stare. And then refuse to serve them.

I think everyone should be made to do a stint behind the counter on a hot Saturday afternoon. I really think that that would make the world a much nicer place, as people realise just how rude people think they can be when they’re doing their shopping.